How to Get Off the Horns of a Dilemma
You can’t resolve a dilemma with the very same mind that made it.
— Albert Einstein
As a child when I heard someone was "on the horns of a dilemma," I imagined a "dilemma" was an impala-like animal with a man hanging from its horns by his suspenders. Even if he managed to get unhooked from one horn, it seemed to me he wasn’t much more comfortable on the other.
I soon learned that image wasn't too far from the reality of our human experience. We often swing from one possible choice to the other and back again, sensing that neither will feel totally satisfying. We try figuring out which option is better by jotting down lists of pros and cons, for example, or flipping coins or calling a couple friends (only to find each recommends the opposite choice). At least in my experience, the results are rarely helpful.
Plus, for most of us, being in state of ambiguity is stressful. Making a decision comes as a relief, whether or not we feel wholly good about it. But when we're asked to make tough calls quickly, we usually stay in our heads and default to binary thinking. It's easier after all to choose between 'yes' or 'no' and 'stay' or 'go' than to grapple with complexities and messiness of life.
The fact is, though, by staying in a rigid, "either/or" mindset, we're less likely to make truly constructive decisions. Why? Because reality is almost never clear-cut. It’s mostly messy and uncertain. The unexpected happens all the time. We can create all the strategic goals we want, but in a flash, those may become irrelevant. (The COVID pandemic has brought that piercingly home to us all.) Instead, we need to have the capacity and flexibility to come up with a completely different set of actions when change happens. So how do we make wiser decisions given the murkiness, contradictions and inconsistencies of life?
I've learned that if I make a major decision that isn't embodied, then it's likely not going to useful, certainly not in the long run. What do I mean by embodied? I mean very literally pausing and sensing how a potential decision feels in my body. If my body tightens or contracts with the thought of taking a certain action, then it's probably not the most useful way to go. If I feel lighter, more expansive, on the other hand, then that choice usually has generative, positive momentum. Our minds can justify almost anything, but our bodies don't lie.
So the next time you feel stuck on the horns of a dilemma I suggest unhooking yourself from those binary options and grounding yourself first. Throw out those lists of pros and cons, and instead, pause for a minute or a day (or for however much time you can create, depending on the situation) and allow yourself to not only connect with your intellect, but with your intuition and your social/emotional intelligence as well. We’re not going to find a good solution, as Einstein warned us, if we stay stuck in the same mind state that got us hooked in the first place. We need our left brain along with our right brain and our heart to make "whole-body" decisions. This approach to decision-making is almost always going to be more effective and satisfying than anything our rational mind on its own can come up with -- particularly if we want lasting, life-affirming change.
Want to learn to pause and ground yourself when you're grappling with tough decisions? In coaching that is a critical skill I love offering my clients.
Get unhooked. Set up your free “discovery session” today!
— written and published by Elise Miller, Cedar Wise Coaching LCC, November 1, 2022